Once in a lifetime.

As the Talking Heads famously said “ And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?” Damn good question Mr. Byrne. Damn good question.

Preface: So here's the thing- I haven't written in almost 4 years. Four. Friggin'. Years. Talk about writer's bIock. It's probably more like a cement wall than a block. I have so much to say and tell you all. I actually started a post about 3 3/4 years ago (IK- very precise). Thought I'd entirely lost the draft as it wasn't finished, and figured I just hadn't saved it. Well lookee lookee what I found- it was there, back in my dusty drafts, still unfinished, stuck in that gray filing cabinet that had been moved too many times and was banged up to shit. And it was all about dating. Well, gosh darn it, thing is, I've been dating someone now for 3+ years, making the whole column silly and irrelevant. But then again, maybe it is worth the digital imprint to all my friends and acquaintances who need a laugh or just need anything to read about other than politics and war. Do people still read cereal boxes? Because I believe them to be safe, as long as you don't read the ingredients, in which case they are definitely not safe to read unless you have a medical professional at your side who can tell you what most of those big words actually mean, and then in that case, you should probably just throw out the whole damn box and go back to watching the news so you can find out what happened lately in the world of politics or any looming or ongoing wars.

Most of you who know me well, or sorta well, may have met "Pam" already, either in person or on Facebook (i.e. "Parent's Original Oldie's Platform" or "POOP"), and what she means to my life, and how she has helped fill the enormous void that Abby left. She deserves and will get her own very long "origin story", and I certainly will bring you up-to-date about what's been going on for The last. 4 years. Of my friggin' life.

For now though, I feel a little levity is called for, and so as a public service, I now introduce you to the several-year-old-post that I finally finished writing: Real World Dating v.101.*

*Your individual results from reading may vary.

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December, 2021

I’ve been thinking and wondering and pondering about when it would be appropriate for me to write about dating. I know most people aren’t going to judge me when it comes to dating and if they did I suppose I wouldn’t care anyway. Walk a mile in my lonely shoes then come and talk to me if you dare. But some of the hesitation is because I know my mother-in-law, my kids, some of Abby’s friends who might not know me as well as others... will read this. And it’s not like it’s some big secret that I’m hiding or have been hiding- everyone understands, and the ones that don’t, again, here are my shoes and feel free to take them for a drag. And just keep on walkin’. 

Online dating can definitely be painful.

When I met Abby, I was 27- she was 26, and I’d pretty much grown tired of dating even at that young age. I’m not saying I wanted to get married for the sake of getting married, but I was at a point already that on a Saturday night, I’d rather hang out with my coupled/married friends than go to a bar or a club. I was tired of the scene so they say. It was never my strong suit to make small talk with women at a bar or approach a pack of them or even one alone - it was just never a fun thing and I wasn’t into torture or S&M or the love of being rejected. I loved music so that was the only reason I’d still go to a club and knock my head against a wall trying to get the nerve up to talk to someone. Lots of liquid courage or other illicit things were all that I could muster to help me utter some ridiculous version of “hey what’s up “. The thing is, once I know someone and have met them, or been introduced to them, I’m fine. I can usually chat and chat and chat. But even to this day, stick me in a room to network with a bunch of people I don’t know, fuggedaboutit. I relied on Abby for much of that. She was the consummate meeter and greeter and networker. She could walk into a room of 50 people and walk out knowing every one of them by the end of the night. It was a talent for sure. I’m envious and amazed by people like that- everyone has their strengths, and that definitely was not, and is not, one of mine. 

Is it polite to ask a woman to shave first?

I find it funny that most people who know me would probably say I’m pretty outgoing. But the key phrase is “people

who know me”. I will talk your ear off and we’ll have great conversations as long as I’m comfortable and have met you. Which brings me back to dating. How the fuck did I end up back here? Back to being 27 again and thrown into the cesspool (no offense to those still in the process) of dating again? Except I’m now 60, and an empty nester with no nestee. Just dogs and cats and bills and pills and a bunch of cold-blooded dating apps on my phone. 

I was fortunate enough last fall that when I was ready to take the proverbial plunge and “get

out there” and start dating, I had a very nice group of woman friends, both single and attached who helped me pick pics, get a rough profile together, and send it out into the shark-infested, cyberspace waters. Once again, I found liquid courage was a handy and hardy companion in this new venture of mine along with a stout sense of humor which I attempted to hammer out thinly into the shape of a suit of armor. Put it on and let the laughter ensue and penetrate. Neither rain nor snow nor darkness of bad photos/headshots would prevent me from my journey. 

"Eye see you!"

I’ll be honest; in the beginning, it was actually a little bit exciting. I was surprised it was kind of fun scrolling through all these women and their stories and pictures and wants and desires and dislikes and likes. Soooo much easier than trying to meet someone in a club or a bar. Or so it seemed. But appearances can be deceiving young grasshopper. There’s a learning curve between the actual technology of the app and then each app works a bit differently. Swipe right or left? Or scroll up and down. And where’s their profile? And why is Cupid draping hearts all around her head in her profile photo? And what’s a unicorn doing in a grown woman’s headshot? And which one is she in that profile pic- there are seven people and they’re all out of focus. On second thought it’s good they’re all out of focus- I didn’t know they were casting for Deliverance 2 (oof). And is that your baby? A grandchild? Or a prop to show parental love? And who wears lime green pantsuits? You do I guess. Shaft is gonna call you - he’s lonely too these days. And omg you can’t really be 58, can you? 66 yes- I'd believe that and give the man his prize. Just don't give me her. 

SO MANY CAPITAL LETTERS- I feel sad :(

I will only date you if you wear that outfit.

How am I doing so far- have I taken you down Depression Alley yet? Some days it feels like all roads do lead there. But I am mining for humor here, and there’s a motherload of it where I’m prospecting. I don't mean to be mean and make fun of people. But I mean some people just need a little help from their friends to just look at their posts and go "Um, really?" Teddy bear ears? A floating severed head? And why are you praying for me with your pet lions? I dunno maybe I'm just too old-fashioned and think plain ole' photos will suffice, plus they might just keep you off the Homeland Security watch list.

Now, the reality is, I've met some very nice women, and have had a few "relationships" I guess I can call them that- meaning more than 2-3 dates. They haven't worked out for a variety of reasons, and that's ok. At the age that I'm at, and the ages I'm looking at (50s-60s), everyone has a lot of baggage. Part of making a relationship work when you're older I think, is finding someone whose baggage aligns with yours (among other things). Does their baggage fit in the overhead and under the seat? Or does it require a long trip to the baggage area, and waiting on endless pieces of luggage to surface, and sometimes they don't surface until much later, and then there's enough baggage to open your own "travel section" in Marshall's, and then, well, you know what shape is the baggage in? Is everything REALLY in there?

Some of the amusing first date comments/questions I received I think are worth sharing, not only for your general amusement and possibly bemusement, but to let other daters know what to possibly expect when you're expecting anything on a first date.

In no particular ranking, and with my answers I gave, (or) sometimes wish I had given (I'd say half of my answers here were real, half just "wish I had said...)- FTX crypto tokens to all who guess correctly- please call Sam @ 1-800-Bankman-Fried for your prize.

1) "So what do you have in your 401(k)?"

"Why I have everything in there, including my laundry and some dirty dishes. Why do you ask?"

2) You look just like your pictures!

"I do? Well, you most certainly don't!"

3) You mentioned your dead wife so I think you must not be ready to date.

"Yes, I did. Because you asked me specifically about my trip to Greece and it was my honeymoon, so I did mention her once because it was hard to leave her out of that discussion especially since she was still alive at the time. And it was my HONEYMOON, which I did not go on alone."

4) "I know I don't look like the pictures on my profile- they were from 8 years ago but I'm hoping to look like that again".

"Oh gee, I was hoping you were going to say that you used to look like Charlize Theron and were going to look like that again because we definitely would have a second date then."

5) "I like to travel most weekends and play golf and tennis during the week- I am retired."

"Funny you did not mention your large divorce settlement or being retired in your profile. Your life seems so very full already, and I hope you and your golf clubs and tennis balls are very happy, but I don't own clubs and I'm not interested in sharing my balls".

6) "I have never dated a Jewish guy before."

Option 1: "Neither have I."

Option 2: "Sorry, I hide my horns on my profile pics."

7) "I think you're very handsome though your nose is a kind of big."

"Well thank you. I am very flattered but my nose is leaving now, obviously way ahead of me."

8) "I'm allergic to cats, and don't have time for a dog"

"You saw my photos of all my animals in my profile, and you even commented on them being "cute". Did you believe them to be stuffed props, or that I borrowed them to add that "cuteness factor" to my profile?"

9) "My ex still lives in my basement."

"Oh, how long has he been living with you?"

"4 years..."

"Are you sure he's still alive?"

10)

Ten, ten, ten, ten for everything, everything, everything, everything

You can all just kiss off into the air Behind my back, I can see them stare They'll hurt me bad, but I won't mind They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time (yeah, yeah) Yeah, they do it all the time (yeah, yeah) Yeah, they do it all the time (do it all the time) Do it all the time (do it all the time)

Yeah yeah, had to just go all Violent Femmes on you there. "Kiss Off" just about sums up some of those initial first dates. Like I said, a sense of humor is a must, as is a fat(ish) wallet. Even though I mostly picked up the check first time around (my chivalry still said it was polite), I will say about 1/2 the women offered to split the first date tab; but I'd say 1/2 of those women's hearts weren't actually into splitting the tab. The other 50% either looked the other way when the check came (seriously), went to the bathroom, or just vaguely stared off into oblivion, which sounds like a very good name for a planet, but not a good place to visit on a date. But I also had a very nice woman who would never let me pay- she was "very comfortable" let's say, and was happy to share her good fortune (and was very philanthropic), and it gave me some future hope that we still lived in a society where it's ok to be neither rich nor poor and someplace in the middle-class. Class dismissed.

Love to everyone still out there, and here's to a hopeful future for us all,

Craig