Reelin' In the Years

1/28/19

It's been awhile for my poor neglected blog. Post holiday black and blues I guess. I've taken a decent battering this last month as might be expected. Made it through Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah, Christmas, XMas and all their spelling variations, then basically crash landed New Year's Eve. Went out with a great group of friends, but no matter that we were together, and in a bar with a lot of people, and karaoke, and drinks and food, I was still very much alone in my head, and no amount of anything could change that. New Years was never a big deal to Abby and I as with many couples that I know; it's no big deal after you've shared 30 odd nights of them together. But suddenly, here I was, transported back to my single days, before Abby, sans bad 80s clothes and mullet, fortunately. Though I never really had a mullet, lets just agree here that it was longer than it probably should've been.

Yes- everything now has new meaning(s)- previously innocent things become land minds. Songs change meaning. Shows take on new meanings, especially on a show like Ray Donovan (spoiler alert ahead), which we both loved, where Ray's wife, Abby(!) last year died of cancer(!) He called her "Abs" for short, but I always called Abby "Ab" for short, I guess because I never though of "Abs". But it's a very strange thing, this parallel Ray Donovan story-line, which we had to stop watching once his wife got sick and Abby was sick. Way too similar except for the fact that I am not a handsome hulking actor like Liev Schreiber who plays Ray with a depressed psychotic menacing but love him anyway swagger. Anyway, anything is fair game these days that can be turned from a harmless moment into a suddenly hurtful one. It's kind of like the "Upside Down World" on Stranger Things. Or the episode on Star Trek when a transporter malfunction causing Captain Kirk and Co. to swap places with their evil counterparts from a parallel universe. it's kind of like that, but instead of people it's just everyday "stuff". Any song, show, picture, random household item, smell, or just the act of waking up or going to bed are all possible tick-ticking time bombs waiting to go off at any given random minute. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating here a bit, though I'm sure there is some sort of PTSDish relatable experience to losing a spouse or loved one. It's not like I'm shell-shocked walking gingerly on hot coals throughout my day. It's more of a sneaky-sneak attack that just hits you square up like a solid uppercut. Sorry- lots of violent metaphors being slung around here like bad hash, as in breakfast hash though I really don't know about hash since I haven't eaten meat in 30+ years and not sure if I ever had real corned beef hash to begin with unless we're talking about the other kind of hash and then I plead the fifth.

My major concern now is getting employed again. It's weird being out of the job market for so long, even though I've continued to teach and do the odd freelance project project these last two years. I almost feel like I was forced into retirement, except without the payout/perk/package and without social security (at least not yet anyway). Even though I had to leave my job to take care of Abby (I wouldn't, couldn't, have done it any other way), it's still hard after all this that the struggle continues, not only emotionally, but financially/career-wise as well. I'm so fortunate for everything that people have done for us, and I never could've taken the time without the GoFundMe page, and all the other help we received.

One thing (ok, a lot more than one thing) that still resonates with me though, is that our healthcare and social security systems are broken. Battered and beaten and out of whack, misaligned, mismanaged, mangled and maladroit and meshugana too. The fact that you pay in for years and years, then if you die young, and all your funds disappear. None for your spouse or children (unless they're under 19 or you're over 60 but then you have to choose between yours or your spouses). Just poof- it's gone- "Up in Smoke" as Cheech and Chong would say. Who's brilliant idea was that? That's how it's been able to keep chugging along I suppose- if more people would just die we all reap the benefits, and the Reaper gets his/hers too. Truly joyous I tell you. Now I'm sure there are many bright people who would be happy to explain to me the what's and why's of how SS works, or I could research more on my own, but it doesn't really matter since it's a done deal. All I know is that I feel f*cked, and if I remember correctly, when done properly, that used to be a good feeling, but it's been awhile if 'ya know what I mean. And BTW- this is not some new revelation, the SS stuff- I've known this was the way it was going to be for awhile, but it still galls me; just another of life's fun injustices that I've gotten to be acquainted with these last couple of years.

So I plod along my well beaten path, trying to become a living, breathing, functioning member of society again, as opposed to a Menace to Society, which was a movie I thought was great back in the day, though it hasn't aged that well in my opinion- the dialogue and clothes reak early '90s, and I just want to say "Don't be pointing that gun in my face until you change out of those clothes 'cause I can't take you seriously". Whatever; my racehorse blinders are on and I'm trying to follow the path to the finish line, which I know there really isn't one of those within eyesight range, and my eyesight is actually still pretty good for some reason. I wish I could break out into "I can see clearly now" because Abby and I both loved that song, but since I can't sing for shit, and I don't think "the rain is gone", and it's definitely not a "bright, bright, bright sun-shiny day" quite yet. I hope one day that will come, and I know everyone has told me it will. I'll take a partly sunny day, or a partly cloudy day- whichever is actually the brighter of the two or are they one in the same and just the optimistic weather person wrote "partly sunny day" and the pessimistic weather person wrote "partly cloudy day"? Damn if I know. If the glass is half full does it mean it was a partly cloudy day because it rained and if it's half empty it was partly sunny because it didn't? Or maybe the sun dried up all the rain and the itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the spout again? Maybe that's the apt metaphor; that's me then.

What I do know is, that I'm on a ride I didn't want to be on. I've been carjacked. Kidnapped. Taken. Held hostage. Absconded, abducted. Spirited Away (great movie though), dog-napped, Shanghaied, pirated, hijacked and I'm sure more but I'd have to get me to a thesaurus. I'm trying hard to feel like I have an opportunity here, and since escape is not a viable option, I must contend with the situation at hand, even if it's a crappy deal. Some days I am contending better than others, and I know, or at least there's this rumor, that time will heal and make the boo-boos go away. That would be one, true to life-sized bandage folks. So I guess I'll be seeing you at CVS then, my former home away from home, despite my vow to never ever ever go to a pharmacy or hospital again. As if.

Mucho love everyone.