Take the Pain Away.

8/6/18

It's been about 6 days since Abby's last chemo treatment (her 2nd) on "Vanillabean". Vanillabean seems to act more like an IV Molotov cocktail than a creamy drink/frozen dessert treat, and a treat it definitely ain't. Lots more pain right after Abby receives it- supposedly it's because it's working right on her tumors. I hope that's the case, because as I've said in the past, it just sucks to see someone you love and care about be in pain.

It's Monday now, start of the work-week for most people. Abby's somewhat better, but was still having pain in her ribs/back this morning- thankfully she's asleep- she's been doing a lot of that- and though I get worried when she pulls off a 12-hour sleep-a-thon from 8am-8pm like she did the other day, I know it's what her body needs to stay strong and fight the scourge. But it's still a bit disconcerting, because yes, I need to check on her often to make sure I see the rise and fall of her chest so I know there's appropriate breathing going on. Not a fun game of peek-a-boo that's for sure.

The decision whether to stay the course on this current chemo regimen is one we've discussed several times amongst ourselves and with the docs, too. The prevailing wisdom, (if that's what it can be called when you feel like you're torturing someone) is to try and keep going; hopefully get 4 treatments in and then get scans. Right now, we're about halfway there.

I'm encouraged somewhat for Abby, through some good news about my brother Scott, who's coming up on his 3-year anniversary of his heavy weight cancer fight. His current scans revealed that his chemo is working- his tumor is about 70% dead, and the rest of it resembles a Three Stooges party- chaotic mayhem, cancer cells poking each other in the eye with a "Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk", and general disarray among all the cancer party guests. We hope to see it get kicked to the curb as unceremoniously as Moe, Larry and Curly; with a door slam, and a "Don't ever come back". His cancer and tumor is entirely different however, as it's been contained to one mass wrapped around the base of his spine (I mean really? Fuck you Cancer) and has been difficult to kill. So this is Good News, not fake news, and Good News Trumps Fake News any day. And if my bro can get results from a new drug almost three years in, why not Abby? That's why we/she keeps fighting.

Now in other news around the globe, which in this case consists of a blue house on Shaw Road... yes, our world has gotten somewhat small, but I do venture out, and can be spotted like a prairie dog popping out of it's hole, occasionally doing errands, and even having fun on a night or two out. With the temps and humidity continuously creating Mercury-like conditions, I try and pick and choose my excursions wisely, at least the ones that don't have "doctor" or "MGH" attached to them. I'm very fortunate that we have a great cadre of friends who've helped us through this last year of the "Sabbatical Hell 1 Tour" (SH1T). The Sh1T has changed my social dynamics in ways I never could have imagined. For the first months, I never went out, nor wanted, could, or needed to. As Abby's care became a bit easier and more understandable to me, and I quickly earned my forced-upon nursing degree from our/her bedroom, I was finally able to be convinced to go out and step into the sociable waters of Swampscott and her immediate surroundings, though never wanting to venture too far from home.

It's an interesting perspective for me, since Abby and I were one of those couples that did most things together before the SH1T and we actually were and are best friends. That doesn't mean we didn't go our separate ways with girls/boys nights out, or just one of us not wanting to go out (usually me). So after 29 years of marriage, plus a couple more living together, it's almost like being an unwittingly single guy out there, or at least a guy without his wife and a ring on which sometimes confuses people not in the know. Or a guy who was always used to hanging with his very sociable and attractive wife and was happy to be along for the ride and now is a minus one. So I bring all this to light because I find it absolutely amazing, astonishing, hysterical, and add your adjective here as to what I hear, see, and experience going out "alone" with friends, many of whom are single and charitable enough to take me along on their quests for fun. People talk and gossip folks, did you know that? I've seen some stares and heard some "things" like "Craig's out w/a blonde" or the "look"... "What's Craig doing out while his wife is home sick?" It's inevitable I suppose. But compared to the dramas I see unfolding around me, it ain't nothin'. I feel pretty secure these days, especially in light of the fact that Abby practically orders me out of the house because A) She's sick of seeing my face all the time, or B) Really wants me to get out for my own sanity and hers, or C) All of the above.

People are People as Depeche Mode once said, so I don't care too much about what anyone thinks, besides my wife, family and close friends. Overall people are awesome (really), but now I know where all the networks get their ideas from for soaps (daytime/whatever's left, and nighttime dramas) and reality shows- look no further than your own tiny backyard. Affairs, who's sleeping with who or not sleeping with who, threesomes, the gold diggers, the spoiled, the winers, the winos; it's a veritable "whodunit" or "whodunwhat" out there. Of course I'm telling you the um, "interesting" stuff I've heard and seen and been in the scene of.

Now, lest I come off as sounding cynical or smarmy or nasty, I mainly tell you this stuff (though many of you already know what I am talking about, Willis) because for me it's mostly entertaining, as long as nobody's getting hurt, though I'm sure some people do, otherwise there's no show. But I also hope some people realize that they should be seeing things from my perspective, and that their lives are drama-filled if they make it so. Not to say divorce, money or legal problems, or any other host of issues aren't real, because of course they are. It's really about how you handle them, I think. Some dramas are self-made, and self-directed, starring you. Others are dramas that happen that are beyond your control (ahem cancer/sickness I'm talkin' to you in my best Travis Bickle voice). So keep it all in mind. Don't be a judgy judge, be nice, be kind, be generous of mind and spirit, have fun. Just know that when I'm out, I'm so very grateful to steal some time outside having fun for me, and yes I feel guilty somewhat no matter how much I know I shouldn't. And I miss having Abby by my side, me riding shotgun, because it's not the same without her no matter how much fun i attempt to have. She is my best friend and wife who I love dearly, and I hope one day we will be back out there creating our own stories that someone else can talk about. And I'd be ok with that- giving somebody something really GOOD to talk about.

Much love from us to you.

Abby, Craig, Ben and Aliza