When Soul Meets Body.

I'm not sure if anybody (but me) realizes, but all the headings of my posts are co-opted from song titles. Not that every title necessarily refers to the specific lyrics associated with that song per se, but seeing how music has gotten me through much of my life in a transformative way, I figured I'd let it continue to speak for me. Though I tried to write songs (lyrics only) when I was younger, I found out over and over that I basically sucked at it. Poetry too. Despite my persistence at that tender young teenage angst(y) age, no matter how much emotion I poured into my words, how much real pain or joy I wanted to vomit onto the page, they still came out sounding like a bad Hallmark card. And that's an insult to Hallmark cards, truly.

This post is going to be hard to write, mostly because of a recent experience I had that will be difficult to translate into words, at least words that make sense and can articulate what I felt happened and occurred last week. How's that to pique your interest?

Lest I sound "crazy", which is no longer PC to say btw, as I've learned teaching. It's considered "ableist"- someone who judges or makes fun of someone with a disablity. As in we are "able-bodied" if we are "sane and ok" (whatever THAT means) and calling someone "crazy" who actually might be crazy is not ok (sounds very "Catch-22ish to me). Maybe mentally disturbed is the term to use. Now, I'm not making fun of anyone here besides myself, and I feel deeply for anyone who suffers from any kind of disability, mental, physical or otherwise. But I also feel like half the world is nuts, whether you be a cashew, almond, Brazil nut, peanut, pistachio, macadamia, pecan or just a beer nut, many of us are just a few nuts short of a full can. And as I have digressed down the Nutty Buddy Highway, my main point was that I am a mostly rational person, somewhat skeptical in one eye but also very open-minded to all things new and old. Which brings me back to last week, and my visit with a medium.

In the past, Abby and I have had psychic's at our house, and we both actually participated in a small group hosted by a medium at our friend Barbara's house. That went so well that the medium gave me my money back, as all she got from me at the time was crickets, and crickets just aren't that valuable as a learning tool unless you are some kind of reptile and then you learn that crickets = food. Nor do they bring you much in terms of revelatory enlightenment. Chirp.

So my dear friend Nila asked me awhile ago if I'd be interested in seeing a medium. Thinking back to my cricket experience I had to think about it (chirp), but obviously my situation was different now- I don't have Abby by my side anymore, and if there was a chance to (re)connect with her in any way, why wouldn't I want to try that? Was I apprehensive? A little, but also excited. Nervous, too. But if I got crickets again, or as my grandmother would say, "You got bubkis" meaning nothing, or literally it means "sheep or goat droppings" in Yiddish (yes I looked it up), then would I be disappointed, because now it meant something? After deliberating at least one whole minute, I decided it was worth seeing what she would have to say, or what Abby would most hopefully have to say.

The medium was running late, and as Nila and I were waiting, we heard someone coming up the stairs to her studio (Nila is a massage therapist, and a damn good one). Nila went out to greet who she thought would be our medium, except no one was on the steps. Now, Nila and I both heard the footsteps, and I actually with my years of experience think I know a foot step or two when I hear one. But no one was there, and so we just looked at each other with blank stairs (see the pun there?) and I joked it must've been Abby joining us. A few minutes later, the medium came up the stairs, and it was a live real person this time. She was younger than I expected, maybe 40, though if she ever reads this and she is younger than that, my sincere apologies and so I meant 30.

After some medium-type pleasantries, she said she would close her eyes and see who would come forward. The only two things she knew about me were 1) My first name was Craig; and 2) That I had suffered a loss. Nila had to tell her that because she was booked up for quite awhile and Nila told her it was more of an immediate need and didn't want to have me wait until March, (or whenever it was), to see her. BTW, Nila is not on any social media, so the medium could not have poked around looking for intel on me. Just sayin'.

I'm going to do my best to describe what happened from the start. Again, naysayers feel free to ignore and laugh and go back to the unenlightened cave you came from- I forgive you. Within a minute, the medium said there were people coming forward. As in more than one, but one woman in particular, who she described as "beautiful, glowing, vibrant; really well put together" was pushing her way forward. She continued talking "this woman looks about your age; she was a close friend... no no, you two were together. Was she your wife? And she passed recently- within the last 5 years... no no within the last 2 years... no- much sooner? I then said "yes" and that she had passed about 3 months ago (so yes, she had the info that I had suffered a loss so it could be a guess). She continued; "That's really fresh" in the spirit world- 5 years is fairly recently. Oh, she's really lovely and is talking away. Was she really chatty in her life? Oh she's so outgoing- she's basically pulling up a chair and has an agenda- she's so organized! Does this sound right? That last part, "Does this sound right?" was something she told me she would say a lot, to try and keep things on track, and it was ok if it didn't make sense to me.

The medium, Katy, continued passing along info from Abby, like they were just having a grand old time with Abby talking, telling me things no one could have known, with Katy interspersing things like "oh, this was a cancer death", and "she was given false promise on a new drug treatment", and "your wife was sooo organized and in control, and one of the hardest things for her was that she didn't have control over the situation and couldn't change it- she didn't fear death, but she felt helpless not being able control things, and that was what was scary for her". She also told me some things Abby wanted to say to me, things about her love for me and what I did as a caretaker, and how I protected her, how I didn't leave her side, and how I never got angry at her (not entirely true, I am somewhat humanish) and that she loved me for everything that I did, and wished she could've expressed that better during her illness. The medium said we were "soulmates" (a word Abby used all the time to describe us, and a word I used prominently on a piece of art I did for our 23rd anniversary years ago) and did everything together- we were one of those couples who had a real friendship and a real relationship.

So despite the intensity and emotionalism of this all, there was quite a bit of humor and laughter. Katy asked if we had dogs together, since there were all these dogs running around Abby's feet this whole time that we'd been talking. And then she said "Your wife wants to talk about your children. Did you have children? I said "yes". Then she said you have two children- a boy and a girl? Again I said "yes". Then she said "The boy is older" and Abby wants to talk about him first (she never said Abby's name, it was always just "your wife". She said "Your wife is just beaming about your kids- they are just ... just such good kids! They are really together for their ages, just such good people, so well-adjusted. Katy then proceeded to relay how Ben had really stepped up to the plate somehow, in helping me, that we had developed a bond; he was helping me somehow and that I didn't feel as alone. I told her that Ben had moved back home since his lease was up, and it helped me having him here. And then the medium said "Your wife says she's so glad he's there to keep you company, and that you're not alone in that big house". There was more truths Abby said about Ben, but I'll leave that to another post, or this will go on way past anyone's attention span. Katy then said "Your wife wants to talk about your daughter". She thought Aliza was in High School, getting ready to graduate. So that was off a bit. But she is getting ready to graduate college, so 'ya know this is not fact for fact accounting- some things need to be interpretive. Anyway, Katy then said Abby was "so happy, so happy... did your daughter recently take an article of clothing of your wife's, and something she sleeps with every night"? Yes, it was true- a couple of weeks ago when Aliza was home, at my urging, took the Patriots sweatshirt Abby wore all the time, and the blanket she kept on her bed most nights, that was decorated in dog "speak" like, "woof, bark, etc.". And yes, Aliza was now sleeping with it every night. Lucky guess? I don't think so. And the dogs were all still running around Abby's feet- cracking the medium up.

There was more folks, much more. About Abby doing so well "up there", that she was learning so much, so many new things, that she was "back in school" and loving it. That she was "running the show" (sound familiar?). Katy said "Does that sound like your wife? And your wife knows that you all wish she was physically with you, but know that she IS with you- when you're thinking about her in the quiet of the morning, she REALLY is with you, and she will be with you and the children for all your major life events- she really wants you to know that". And then she said "Your wife is just so lovely- she could sit here and talk to me all day- does that sound like her?"

I know there's much I'm leaving out, and my goal was not to verbally regurgitate the entire hour to you. I actually recorded almost the entire thing on my phone, with Katy's blessing, and have played it back to the kids, and several close friends. Reactions have been pretty universal- general awe and amazement and a sense of wonderment. And I haven't even touched on the fact that both my parents came forward towards the end, with Abby especially helping(!) my mother articulate what she wanted to say (my mother was not exactly nice to her). Katy's description (personality-wise) of my mother was so spot on, it was chilling. And what she told me was pretty heart-warming, especially coming from my mother- basically, an apology. Again, for another day, another post. But sooo accurate.

I think the intangible thing is, not the facts necessarily, as some of you doubters I'm sure will say "well, some of that is generic and could have applied to anyone with cancer", is that Abby's personality is what shone through. Her sense of being, the things that made her, well, her. And the bonus round, of my parents coming through at the end, and the things Katy relayed from my mother to me, well, only someone who knew our intimate family goings on and the personalities and players involved could've passed along the information she did. You don't pick that up by scouring social media. It was so life-like, the experience, and just so damn accurate.

The pain you feel after you lose someone is very real. It's raw. It's unknowing, because you can't plan for it, you can't predict how you're going to feel a day later, a week, a month or three later. There's therapy of course, and work, and hopefully friends and family to help keep you busy, talk to, encourage you, quietly just listen, and smack you occasionally upside the head when needed. But ultimately, it's you alone who has to deal with it; in the quiet of the morning alone with your inner ramblings and thoughts; alone at night in bed, our bed that we shared. Nights prove to be the hardest, but I'm getting better at that- you have to, or I'm afraid it becomes like quicksand; constantly struggling to get out, staying above ground, gasping for breath. This I know from the wilds of Swampscott- I think we all can experience quicksand without ever leaving the front porch. Grab a branch if you can and pull yourself out of the muck and mire. It's not easy- it's f*cking exhausting, mentally and physically. I miss Abby terribly. One thing Abby said (of the many things) during my medium experience, was that "I won the lottery when I married her". I laughed, and I agreed whole-heartily, and most people never win the lottery so yes, I was damn lucky. But she also said to me, through Katy, that I changed the way she thought of men when we met. That someone could be kind, gentle, smart, tough, and funny all at the same time. I'm glad she left out stubborn, impatient, and too many other faults of mine to list- that's ok- I'm well aware of them and glad Abby kindly left those on the shelf. That would've been the "bad medium experience" which I don't think a great marketing tool.

The wrap up here, is that my medium experience made me think about life (after-life?) very differently. I fervently believe that Abby was there, in the room with us. She'd been waiting, patiently, to seize the moment. And those of you who knew her well, know that's what she always did - seized the moment and tried to make us all feel better about ourselves. Again, this is not coming from someone (meaning yours truly) who is just so vulnerable that they were ripe for needing, and being needy for this connection. Of course I was hoping I'd have a positive experience, that maybe Abby would come through and be able to say "hi" and that she was ok. Five minutes of that and I would've walked out feeling great. An hour of it was truly life-affirming and mind-blowing. She also said that I should take my time going through her things, because she had a plan and would tell me when and what to get rid of, what to keep. Of course she did. And she also said just because I get rid of things, there was no way I was getting rid of her that fast. Uh uh. She's still cracking me up. And she said to write her letters. I already talk to her, now she wants letters too? So demanding. But really, it comes down to this: our relationship isn't over, it's just changed- that's what she said. She wants me to move on when I'm ready though, at my own pace. But she's still with us, all of us, and she said to ask for, and look for signs from her. The medium said "It doesn't mean you're going to get a giant billboard-like message", but lesser things, that "spirits" like and find it easier to contact us through nature, animals, etc. So Abby, come visit all of us often and aplenty. And yes dear, I know my office needs a serious straightening up and cleaning, and that the dogs need to be walked more often. Sheesh, some things never change.

Much love to all, from all us here, and from those not-quite-here. From this world, to out-of-this-world. And Abby was always out-of-this-world to me.